Dread

I saw the consultant earlier. She was unaware I was leaving the hospital tomorrow even though it has been clearly communicated to her. I’m not going to rant about my feelings about her involvement with my case or about the manner in which she engages her patients. I won’t be seeing her again and I’m quite happy for that to be the case. But the upshot is that she has wished me all the best and is probably glad to see the back of me. After all I’m not rich and I’m not covered by a healthcare plan. I know I’m being negative and it probably is some aspect of my BPD playing it’s part – I simply can’t trust my ability to judge situations accurately at the moment and I wonder if I have ever been capable of doing so. But it is how I feel.

I packed everything when I returned to my room except the personal effects I will require in the morning. I’m pretty much ready to vacate. I will attend the prescribed itinerary of group sessions tomorrow and hopefully glean a final few scraps of valuable information. My parents and fiancé will be arriving to pick me up around 4pm. I’m looking forward to seeing them but absolutely dreading leaving. If my jaunt yesterday was anything to go by then I only hope that the familiarity of home will offset the anxiety to a manageable level.

I’m really going to miss some of the patients and some of the staff. My difficulties with social interaction has no doubt made me be biased against a few people here but I’m pretty confident that a few are just not very nice people anyway. And I’m sure that perhaps my quirks seem odd to some too, engendering an aversion to myself. The food will certainly be missed but the copious volume will not. It has been very difficult to resist temptation, and not balloon and undo all the hard earned weight loss of the last few years.

When all is said and done these last two weeks have been invaluable for several reasons. I have been safe, which I know was the ultimate concern for my fiancé and family. I have learnt so much that I now have a fledgling awareness and understanding of the myriad impaired and fractured facets of my id that are to be dealt with. I have started to write and talk about so many past events, beliefs and emotions – much of which has never left the confines of my inner turmoil. The many things that have remained  unspoken for too long are finally being uncaged – free to begin the healing process, not just in myself but in those around me. With knowledge comes power and I now have knowledge enough  for a vague plan in how to progress the combat against the undesirable tenants in residence within my grey matter. Move aside pharmaceuticals – therapy, self study, cathartic blog writing and physical exertion is coming. 

My everlasting gratitude to my parents for enabling this to happen through their love and unwavering commitment. I know they don’t want thanks yet it had to be stated. I have always loved them both. I have always admired and respected them. Even when my thoughts were twisted. My wonderful parents. My mum and dad. I will always be your little 6′ 2″ boy.

The one thing that has been constant in my mind as the day has progressed is the knowledge that tomorrow I return to my future wife. How lucky I have been to find her after so many years of searching and so many years of ill fated commitment and affection. My one true love. My soul mate. My girl. Always. Forever. X

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