The last few days haven’t been great.
On several occasions my mood has plummeted to the point where I am in tears and just don’t want to exist.
This struggle is difficult, as if slowly wading through deep and clawing mud – compounded by the anticipation of the twisted lengths to which my subconscious will go to amplify the strain as each element of my temporary refuge is surrendered. The awareness I have of the situation does nothing except to add the guilt of my failure to overcome and move onwards.
To make matters worse, on several occasions since my return home I have exhibited undue anger and frustration regarding a variety of matters, as I have always done. This can be triggered by small niggles that are magnified into a feeling such as loss of control, or actions interpreted incorrectly as rejection or insult. Depending on the trigger I may sulk, make increasingly sarcastic statements, or repeatedly talk about the irritation in ever more detail.
Before long I burst, unable to control my emotions.
I begin to rant. I begin to swear.
I may make accusations, point out failings, demand explanation, demand action, complain about uncontrollable issues, bemoan injustice or a combination of those.
This, I imagine, to the consternation of my fiancée who will patiently attempt to reassure me, or simply sit in reserved silence, whilst waiting for the ranting to subside. Yet as perfect as she is her patience sometimes thins to the point where she cannot abstain from responding heatedly or aggressively – and I don’t blame her. Sometimes this will simply provide me extra fuel, culminating in a crescendo of vitriol and profanity against the source of my ire. Generally though her anger brings me to a sudden halt, dispelling the heat and dousing the flames as suddenly as they had sprung.
In any case such an episode immediately leaves me feeling extreme remorse for upsetting my fiancée, and utter disappointment in myself for losing control of my emotions (quite often my ability to reason too).
Alas, awareness of this issue too provides no control when these Ill informed emotions take over.
This all provides the backdrop for my biggest fear. My wonderful fiancé, partner, friend and lover leaving me. She loves me, completely, I know that for sure – but how much of me can she take, before I wear her down?
I know her answer, yet I am trapped in a mind that is uncertain even when faced with irrefutable proof. Does that represent a lack of trust in others or a lack of trust in myself? Am I responsible for sometimes being completely unable to believe?
My anger doesn’t just impact home life either. I have lost several jobs where I have succumbed to long running resentment or paranoia. I can’t keep allowing that to happen too.
I just hope the therapy and my efforts in applying what I learn has a positive effect sooner rather than later.
I want, and need, to think rationally…