Mr Hyde was at home yesterday (past midnight again). Yet again he was prompting me to give up. Those thoughts are so very enticing.
‘There is no hope. You’ve been like this for how long? Do you really think someone can help you now? No one is coming. There is no magic top hat you can pull a rabbit from. So what’re you waiting for? You know you want to.’
Sounds grim. It is.
Conversely those thoughts also worry me. Which is Dr Jekyll telling me that if I can just stick it out then I may just make it after all.
So I focus on things. For example I have a puzzle game on my iPhone that I’ve been turning to when I need to silence theses extreme negative thoughts and it helps. When I surface I know I’ve escaped from myself again.
I told my fiancée just how dreadful my mood had become a couple of times over the course of the day. I deliberated a lot beforehand but I had to. The intensity of that fatal desire is alarming when I finally rise above it. Understandably she is upset, but I can’t stop how my mind is operating and I can’t hide it from her. I respect and love her too much not to say anything, and I have always detested lying (even lying by omission). In this instance a lie could be critical…
As we held each other I was trying to comfort her. I wasn’t going to say that I’ll stop feeling this way because that would be a lie too, and actually if I could stop just like that then why say anything to start with! How cruel.
I explained that a lifetime of hell is the symptom. A lifetime of broken marriages, absent children, social difficulty, no friends (well just one very good friend), lost jobs, worry, fear, anxiety, and stress.
And the cure; so elusive. The cure that is frustratingly locked within me yet I have no means with which to access the key – and the help to do so just out of reach.
However, against that terrible backdrop I have my fiancée. The woman I have been looking for all these years. She completes me. I love her more deeply than my romantic heart ever imagined. She is my soul mate.
I explained that I dearly want to grow old alongside her and live in a little cottage, with a garden of wild flowers, and a gentle stream beside it. Our six children will visit with our numerous grandchildren who will play on the lawn. We’ll be have nice wooden furniture with all the little twee things we like dotted around. We’ll sit on our bench on a warm summer evening and enjoy the tranquility with a nice cup of tea. Perfect.
It is something that I wish for and if it comes to pass I’ll know that I made it. That I tackled everything, and did my best. Enough to lead a better life. Enough to reach my/our nirvana.
Yet this desire to quit, to run away from all this uncertainty, tiredness and upset pulls so strongly sometimes. The fact that it does is not a reflection on my fiancée, or my family or my children. It is simply my inner self being torn between fighting and giving up. If it is a reflection on anyone I could only put forward the mental health professionals I’ve seen over the years. Whether paid for privately, or via taxes for the NHS, there have been massive deficiencies in the care and advice I have received. Deficiencies that have resulted in me arriving at these difficulties again.
And the driving force behind today’s reinvigorated onslaught is that I feel I’m in limbo. Unable to operate normally. Unable to work, unable to visit my children, struggling to go anywhere where there are too many people (especially without a loved one accompanying me), and not knowing when or if I’ll get the help I need. On top of all that my mood is up and down like a yo-yo.
My fiancée may ring the CMHT tomorrow regarding this latest revelation. Whatever they do I will not allow them to take me to an NHS psychiatric hospital. Things may have changed a lot since my first breakdown but I’m not being sedated morning, noon and night and left to my own devices.
The clarity and outward calmness that allows me to write this (and indeed my other posts) may seem to contradict what I have described, especially when I compare them to the breakdowns I have had twice before, but this time the turmoil inside is more contained. I sometimes feel like I’m in an out of body experience, one where I can emotionally detach from what is happening and objectively assess matters. I think I’d prefer to be a gibbering wreck. In ignorant bliss.
So go away Mr Hyde. You increased your visits a month ago but you’re not welcome. Take your influence, this unhealthy purpose, and place it somewhere that the sun does not shine. The day I banish you completely cannot arrive too soon.
I need to protect my girl.
I need to be strong for everyone.
I need to find the real me. The unbroken me. The me I might have been.
I need to keep fighting.
What have I got to lose…