This afternoon I have an appointment  with the CMHT. Specifically the young care coordinator who last saw me around five weeks ago. 

At the last meeting she had assessed my situation and history in order to establish a need for therapy.  This had been at the request of the psychiatrist I had been seeing since the end of last year who had herself been monitoring my progress administering Listdexamfetamine (prescribed for the not long diagnosed ADHD). 

The primary outcome was that although she had to consult her colleagues she fully expected me to receive an offer for talking  therapy. The catch was a wait of several months!

The dismay expressed by loved ones soon after was compounded further by my report that confessions of suicidal ideation had prompted the care coordinator to provide only a weak offer of crisis team support, and with no emphasis on its importance (there were no subsequent checks regarding my safety either). I was too emotional that day to make any clear decisions and since I did not wish to be a burden on their resources I declined.

It was soon after that my family admitted me to the private hospital – both a blessing and a curse. I was indeed safe within those walls, but I also learnt a substantial amount about myself and my issues through the education provided. This has given me much to consider, and has transformed the task of getting better from a subconsciously anticipated, and relatively simple, medication change into an overwhelming and lengthy journey.

The care coordinator has however, over the last week, put a considerable amount of effort into handling the situation now that I’m back under CMHT care. Her redemption in the eyes of my loved ones has resulted from arranging an urgent appointment with a new psychiatrist on Thursday (to review my medication), providing assistance with the process of applying for DBT, and communication with various mental health professionals to gather missing information.

I expect that tomorrow I will be given a more detailed care plan that will outline the help myself, my fiancée and family will be given to improve upon the safeguarding already in place and to help manage my depression and the impact it is having.

Any assistance the CMHT can provide is urgently needed. My mood is hitting the extreme lows with increasing frequency and each one brings risk. This risk is alarming my fiancée and family, and has prompted them to remove knives and medication from being immediately accessible. I find it unbearable that I’m causing so much distress yet I recognise the need to be open about the turmoil I am experiencing.

I’m hoping for anything that may provide relief from this internal hell. Anything that may help my loved ones who are worried and exhausted.

I exploded again in anger yesterday,  shouting and ranting over something trivial. My fiancée was very upset and for that alone I find myself unforgivable. I keep allowing myself to get excessively emotional over insignificant matters. Why can’t I stop!

One of my children tried to start a video call this evening. I couldn’t put on a brave face and had to ignore all three attempts. I miss them all so much.

In theory the next intake for the DBT course is in five weeks. 

It can’t come soon enough.

I’m desperate.

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