Where is my inner calm.
Where am I.
I can’t stop worrying about everything, and feeling upset and angry at myself.
I worry about paying the bills, keeping my job, keeping my home, returning to work, and working with people that I have found difficult to interact with.
I worry about my fiancée and the stress and worry she is under generally and because of me, my children and the fact I’m not seeing them and that I sometimes ignore their calls because I just can’t put on that mask, and my family and the worry they are dealing with because of me.
I worry about writing some of the blogs I have planned because I don’t want to upset anyone with my interpretation and feelings on particular matters.
I fear that I may simply be, after so many years of trying, a talentless delusional failure, and that I may just be a horrible selfish person.
I worry about the future and whether I will be able to support my fiancée and myself as we get older, and that I may not be able to give any of my children and step children the support they may need as they get older and face challenges of their own.
I am unable to handle the negative behaviour of others, real or imagined, magnified or not. It is so corrosive in me.
I fear so many things at the moment, and I’m having trouble going out. My OCD has gone into overdrive, and the intrusive thoughts I encounter occasionally have become a little more frequent and I desperately don’t want them to return to the unforgiving and constant onslaught they did when I was seventeen.
I’m barely sleeping because I have to be completely exhausted to sleep and the moment I gain any level of consciousness all the thoughts come flooding in. I only managed 2 hours last night. A whole hour less than is typical at the moment.
Sometimes I just want to run and hide from everyone and everything. All of this feels so self indulgent and so selfish. This may not even be making sense. I’m not sure it does in my head. But I can’t change how I feel and think. I wish I could.
I can go from hours of relative calm and a positive mood to despair and loathing in an instant. I’m absolutely sick of it.
I desperately don’t want to exist. But I simply could not bring myself to commit the ultimate act of selfishness because I love my fiancée, children and family too much. I’m trapped by love, commitment and the guilt of how my loss would change them and their lives.
I’m trapped by circumstances that make change extremely difficult. The therapy is 4 weeks away and it still hasn’t been booked. I can’t change jobs because I need the income I have now. I can’t change my profession because I need the income I have now. I find every relationship in my life difficult because of my state of mind and my insecurities.
And I’m not fishing for praise or attention, for anyone to take on my responsibilities, or for well meaning words of comfort.
It’s so much easier to write about it than to talk about it. I feel like a broken record.
Actually, I just feel broken.
But hey, there’s always something positive. It looks like it’s going to be a sunny morning. My fiancée will share some sunshine with me when she has her first cup of tea. I’m hoping she sleeps for a bit longer as she’s been so tired. And my friend is coming to see us later. It’ll be nice.
I’m going to try harder today than I did yesterday to maintain a positive mood.
And I’m going to read more about Buddhism. Having established the real meaning of karma and reincarnation I have been able to remove the only real barrier preventing me from going any further…