I have been home for three weeks now. In that time I have slept a maximum of three hours per night. With one exception, the night I had six hours sleep. I did a little dance that morning, a dad dance, but celebratory nonetheless.
So I was sitting in the lounge, after my fiancée went to bed, completely lacking motivation to do anything constructive other than idle away time playing a puzzle game on my iPhone. I’d give the name but everyone I tell gets just as hooked on it as I have. 544 levels competed so far. In just over five weeks. I’m playing it too much. Way too much.
I digress. Needing a drink, around midnight, I went to the kitchen. My stepson had cooked something on the grill shelf thing in the oven and gone to his room with the food. The problem is that the next time someone cooks then all the fat and crumbs on the grill shelf will burn and stink the kitchen out.
I got my drink and sat down fuming. Why not just use a baking tray; they’re in the cupboard next to the oven!
There is a long running dispute with the stepchildren in that myself and my fiancée think they should clean up after themselves. They don’t. It’s a war of attrition. Which I’m sure is experienced by a high percentage of families around the globe.
So, I’m ashamed to say, at that point I got a little revenge. He has college tomorrow and we have set up the wifi to block his Xbox Sunday to Thursday between midnight and 6am. But we allow the tablet, laptop, Amazon Fire Stick and iPhone. In retrospect not necessarily a great idea as he sits up until 2am most nights watching films and then wonders why he struggles to get up! So anyway, in my anger I block everything. One by one. And the wifi app shows me that he’s jumping from one device to another as I disable each. He’s down to terrestrial TV now. That will get boring real quick.
The problem is that it felt really petty, and it is. I know that. I haven’t unblocked anything yet though. I’ll do that when he goes to college…
So feeling pent up I went to the kitchen, put the dried washing up away and cleaned the grill and shelf. Then washed up the bits and pieces that had been left earlier – bowls, cups and cutlery. Then I cleaned the oven door. The oven bottom. Then the floor. Then the bathroom floor. Then the toilet, sink and bath.
All hot and yucky now. So having a shower at 3am! At least I won’t lose time cleaning and showering in the morning. I was meant to be decorating the bathroom today. Not sure I have the motivation now.
I might continue my exploration of Buddhism. Actually, I know I will. The book I had was good but a little confusing in places. So I have bought a couple more and have plenty to read. I know this is something I would like to pursue. But I don’t want to do myself a disservice, or Buddhism, by learning and practising in the wrong way. And yes, I appreciate very much that I have a long way to go based on the events I’ve just described.
I’m also hoping that the weather improves. I miss the sun and there are a few things I’d like to do in the garden.
Apart from that today (yesterday – this insomnia lark is a bit confusing sometimes) has been ok. Except this evening (yesterday evening). And the last few evenings. I’ve been taking my frustrations with regards to teenage behaviour out on my fiancée. Ranting and ranting until I’ve nearly bored her to death. Sorry honey, I am trying. I know that because none of the rants have escalated to the point where I explode. Small mercies and a little progess.
Still no news about the bureaucratic stand off between the private hospital that runs the DBT course and the CMHT. They need to determine who will be responsible for me when I start the course. They need to get a move on, there’s nearly only four weeks to go before the next intake. I really don’t want to wait an additional six weeks until the following intake! I think part of my mind is resigned to the possibility that I just won’t get to do the therapy. It’s taken the edge off my desperation but it scares me that I’ll remain untreated and continue to deal with the effects of BPD for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I’ve had my shower and I’m starting to feel a little sleepy. I’m going to see if I can apply my ninja stealth skills and go upstairs and get in bed without waking my fiancée. Chances are the exhausted clumsiness I’ve been injuring myself with over the last few weeks will be my downfall. Or more to the point, will wake her up. I really don’t want to. She’s been so drained. I can’t stop her worrying but if I did all the housework in the world it wouldn’t take away from the fact that she still has to go to work.
The moral of the story is that if you want a free cleaner and you want your house cleaned really well then just invite me over, give me a cup of coffee and insult me.