Yesterday had a poor start, and my mood flipped dramatically as the day progressed…
As much as I can rationalise thoughts, feelings and situations I often manage, somehow, to overlook every positive conclusion that I come to and return to the negative. Fear, paranoia, and anger, amongst other emotions, come crashing in and I become incapable of understanding the world around me accurately due to a suddenly skewed and narrow view.
My mood had gradually worsened from the moment I awoke to the moment I began talking to my mother, who had arrived and made tea whilst I was finishing showering. So as I stood yet again on the metaphorical ledge, a result of having returned to matters I thought were resolved the day before, my mother talked me down and helped me see sense. Then for the first time in days I felt remarkably positive and very much looking forward to an evening with my fiancée once she returned from work. We were even considering a visit to the cinema.
Once my fiancée returned my mother departed soon after. My family are still on suicide watch, so I’m pretty much with someone all the time. Whilst I feel it’s unnecessary I do admit that for the times I have felt unsafe it is understandable. For me the company is very welcome, and it certainly helps to prevent my thoughts from heading too far along those paths that seek to lead me astray.
It wasn’t long before things started to go wrong.
First, my first ex-wife sent me a text message saying that my second child would be finishing her school year later than anticipated. This has now thrown the plans for a ten day stay of my two eldest children into disarray, more so since the stay has been organised for when myself and my fiancée are due to be married. This change impacts when we can collect and return them, and could significantly shorten the duration they are with us. It also jeopardises the suggested (but thankfully not booked) two or three night detour on the way back in lieu of a honeymoon, and not least the stay of my youngest two children will also be affected. The change also places pressure on the wedding preparations seeing as now my eldest two cannot be collected until two days before the wedding! We have a lot of reorganising to do and I felt considerable guilt that my children were the cause of a further impact to our wedding plans.
Later, my stepson told my fiancée to order something related to his sporting activities. Even though she asked for the request to be delivered politely he objected and nothing more was said. I felt very angry that my fiancée hadn’t refused to buy it until it was asked for in the appropriate way. I said nothing and hoped that my upset, disproportionate as it was, would subside.
Finally, I took something that my fiancée said to me the wrong way. As usual it was something reasonable that I mistook to be insult or rejection. Again I said nothing in attempt to ignore my negative interpretation.
Later, but not much later, I voiced my thoughts on these matters. Even though I had tried to contain or ignore them I was simply unable to do so any longer. When I didn’t get the responses that I had hoped for a meltdown started and escalated to the point where I became so overwhelmed that I ran through the house shouting in desperation. Shouting that I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing to be so wrong all the time, or of becoming so worked up over such trivial matters. As I stood there crying and shaking my partner came to me. My legs gave way and I collapsed to my knees. Over the next hour she brought me back from tears, hyperventilation and utter self loathing. She is wonderful.
The increasing guilt of the impact I am having on my fiancée and my mother is troubling. I cannot see a how I will ever be able to show my thanks adequately. Realistically I know they don’t want thanks and it is done out of love. Yet, it is not far off two months now that the two of them have been running themselves ragged to keep me safe and to make sure that professional care progresses. I feel so pathetic when my mind is clear. Because I know who I have been and who I could be. Yet when the uncontrollable aspects of my illness take hold I find it so difficult to withstand them – making me volatile and massively lowering the comfort levels of those around me.
In the end my fiancée cooked dinner whilst I changed the washer on the outdoor tap and cleaned the kitchen for the first time in three days. Dinner was a spicy rice and quorn dish that was very tasty and enjoyable. Now that I have become vegetarian it’s good to know that food doesn’t need to be dull. It was also interesting, and a little amusing, to note that the stepchildren didn’t realise it wasn’t chicken.
Last night I managed four hours of sleep, and my fingers are crossed for at least the same tonight. Today I hope to not get upset or angry.
I feel some motivation coming back. Apart from my now regular daily activities I may attempt a short story. I have at least three weeks before I return to work.