I do sincerely hope that the reality I deal with every day is, after all, heavily influenced by the BPD.
I constantly experience rejection from the preoccupied, anger over the trivial, ridicule from the jovial, criticism from the observant and fear in what has yet to come.
It causes me stress and anxiety. It also causes animosity with colleagues and arguments with my fiancée. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I just want to vanish. Not so much as suicide but rather that I simply desire to have never existed.
I genuinely feel that I sometimes experience a different reality than everyone else. So no matter how much I try to align my thoughts and feelings with what I’m being told is real, I just cannot change what I believe in my core.
I fluctuate between surrender and fight.
The trouble is that although I may surrender and live with something informed or implied as not negative, it waits inside, imprisoned, skulking, trying to break free. All it needs is that slight bit of supporting evidence, that it wasn’t wrong, that it is vindicated. When it breaks free I repeat the same process of confrontation, and after repeated repression that process can become very emotionally destructive.
So I honestly feel that sometimes I may simply be mad. Not dangerous axe wielding mad but simply that my grip on reality is very weak, because I just simply cannot let go of beliefs that I am sincerely, vehemently, being told are wrong.
Alternatively, I wonder sometimes if I should simply be more assertive with everyone, give no quarter, stand my ground. Maybe that is the problem, and that my innate passiveness is allowing manipulation, but not necessarily in an insidious way. I know I put others before me, I always have. Maybe I need to put myself first. Maybe I need to say ‘no’ more often. Maybe I should be a little bit selfish.
Who am I kidding. I am and have always been driven by a sense of what is right and wrong. I am who I am because I am compelled to do what is right. My problem is that I cannot handle when I feel that this is not reciprocated, when the actions of others prevent me from doing what is right, or when others incorrectly misinterpret my intentions.
Maybe I’ll get the answers I seek through the DBT, and hopefully the tools to deal with my traitorous mind.
Talking of which, the private hospital… actually anonymity is a chore and there are too many syllables in ‘private hospital’ so I will refer to it from now on as the ‘cuckoos nest’.
So therapist from the cuckoos nest called yesterday to invite me for an assesmemt a week Tuesday to determine my suitability for their DBT programme. The talk of assessment is a slight concern as I obviously have no idea what their criteria are, nonetheless I suspect it is merely a formality and that I’ll have no issues. So assuming all goes well I will be starting the programme in the first week of July.
My CMHT psychiatrist has agreed to remain in charge of my care whilst attending the DBT programme, alongside my care coordinator – both of whom are wonderful and have shown so much compassion. Now that this arrangement has been formally agreed I feel a lot more secure.
Still four more weeks to go, but closer than it was two weeks ago when things seemed so desperate for everyone. With hindsight compared to our earlier naivety with regards to the complexity of starting such a programme the wait and effort is nearly over. The combined efforts of fiancée, family and CMHT have overcome bureaucratic deadlocks, misinformation, dead ends and snobbery.
The starting line is in sight…