The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

As a safeguarding exercise my CMHT case worker has reported my uncle to the police with regards to the sexual abuse he committed against me when I was 5 years old. My case worker is required by duty to inform the authorities if there is the slightest chance that an abuser is in contact with a child.

I had read a page on the NSPCC website yesterday afternoon that explained the different ways of reporting an abuser. This finally gave me the resolve to take action, but not long after I received an email informing me of the new development. The decision to report him had been taken out of my hands.

So the police will be coming to my house on Monday to take a statement. A part of me is hoping that it will be used as the starting point for prosecution, and that regardless of the outcome my uncle will perhaps appreciate the damage he has caused. However, I am uncomfortable with the fact that it feels like revenge, which ultimately solves nothing. Although, the one thing I certainly have no issue with is the knowledge that a conviction will see my uncle placed on the sex offenders register.

I know that going through this process will be difficult and that it won’t take the damage away, but if it’s the right thing to do then I must do it. 

I will do it.

Since Tuesday, when my case worker informed me of her intention to initiate safeguarding checks against my uncle, I have gone through a range of emotions due to a fear of preventable victims but now I have returned once more to feeling empty and lost. Every time I think about all that he has inflicted upon me through his actions it pains me to think just how different my life could have been. I can’t change any of it but neither do I want any of it in my head a moment longer. It’s unbearable.

In addition to this I’m dealing with the usual  worries and stress relating to matters such as employment, income, my children and home life. I also fear that the DBT will not be effective enough.

And now one of our two cats has gone missing. We let him out yesterday evening around six or seven but he has not returned. I do hope he is safe.

On a positive note…

I’m seeing my two youngest children on Sunday. It’s the seventh birthday of my youngest too. Normally they would come to our house for the weekend but I’m taking things slowly. So we’ll find a nice pub somewhere with a garden, have some food, open presents and have fun. I can’t wait.

I’ve also moved to an iPhone app for managing my endless to-do lists. I’ll save a tree or two in post-it notes I’m sure.

I’ve resumed reading about Buddhism as I would like to make further progress in my understanding and development. I’ve already started taking small steps too. Being vegetarian hasn’t been even remotely as dull as I once presumed. I’m also trying to be more mindful of thoughts, words and actions. Not with great success sometimes, but I am trying.

I have abandoned attempts to write a short story against a planned outline. Instead I’m opting for writing it as I go and seeing where it leads me. Who knows, it might just work.

I’m still not sleeping well, but it seems now that every few nights at least I get six or seven hours straight.

I haven’t got myself worked up into causing an argument or shouting a lot for at least 5 days now. Which is good progress and good for my fiancée too.

Overall, whilst I do feel like I’m on the edge I also feel I have a safety line too.

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