Rebirth

It has been over two weeks since my last post. 

A lot has happened in that time.

Being, as I am, in a kind of limbo, accompanied by tumultuous emotions, and with so much occurring, it also feels like a very long time.

My mood had reached a point where despondency took hold of me and I made the decision to abandon my blog. I was still continuing with many other positive endeavours, mainly through sheer dogged determination, that I felt comfortable, even relieved, to cease the continual report into my life and my psyche. I know now that I cannot continue to write daily entries as it simply takes up too much time and results in lost sleep – I wait until I am free of chores, duty and a fundamental desire to spend time with my fiancée. So I will write when I can and hope that my memory holds enough to capture that which is important, and relevant.

The sexual abuse investigation against my uncle has moved on a step. Tomorrow I’m going for an interview at the police station where the child abuse unit dealing with my case is situated. The  intention of the interview is to provide the investigating officer with more detail than previously provided when I reported the crime. It is something I am dreading as the initial report was very stressful and upsetting. I’m also very much aware that a conviction in the matter is not guaranteed, and possibly close to quite unlikely. Yet I need to do this in the hope that it may prevent the chance of future crimes being committed by him. It’s my birthday tomorrow too, not the best way to mark the event. Not at all.

On a good note I have now started DBT therapy. I’ve only completed the first of eighteen sessions but so far I’m really encouraged by what I may gain from it. The first session covered mindfulness and techniques for it’s practice, which I have attempted with varying degrees of success whilst generating a substantial motivation to continue with it’s application in day to day life. The group of twelve or so patients on the programme with me seem friendly, and it was strange finally meeting others who share so much in common with me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so comfortable in the company of a group of people as big as that. It was also nice to finally meet people who truly know how I feel and think. I’m feeling so positive about the outcome of this therapy that I must control my expectations. I know this single programme will not be the end of the road, but if it helps me live a better life then it can only be a good thing.

The last two weeks have also seen me reach extreme lows again, usually as a result of me struggling to handle every day life or the nuances of a relationship. The stress and uncertainty of my behaviour and subsequent despair has begun to take it’s toll on my fiancée. She has been my rock and I have abused that support, so much so that I know now that I must make a greater effort to handle myself. So I have begun to talk reasonably about my feelings,  without getting angry or upset, even when I don’t get the response that I want (and so desperately in some cases). I have maintained this effort, with some difficulty, for four days now. The positive effect that I perceive this has had on those around me is a relief, lightening the guilt I feel ever so slightly and in turn countering somewhat my unchanged inner turmoil. 

My continued study of Buddhism is revealing so much to me, reaffirming a lifelong affinity I never truly knew I had until my focussed introduction to the subject this year. I know I am Buddhist in the sense that I am committed to practising the religion, and I have already made some important changes (such as becoming vegetarian and giving up alcohol), but I have yet to determine an outline of the form this will take as it becomes more and more a part of my life. I need to choose the right branch and school of Buddhism as there is quite some variation in the daily activities and ways of looking at the central premise of escaping suffering and seeking enlightenment. I also want to apply meditation and mindfullness in my efforts, and for meditation I will need the correct instruction. I have also been investigating facilities and establishments in central and south London so that I know what my options are as I move forward.

The ongoing struggle with the actions and behaviour of my stepson, and to a much lesser degree my stepdaughter, waxes and wanes. I firmly believe, and always have, that appropriate consequences should be meted out when tempered with a clear expression of love, concern and guidance. My fault so far has been the difficulty in overcoming an immediate and lasting anger when faced with the complexity of the dynamics involved. Yet I think that I can,  through therapy and effort, play a stronger part with a more measured and constructive approach.

I finally had my occupational health appointment. The doctor was very sympathetic and has submitted a report to my employer with several recommendations as to how they can assist my recovery and long term stability. I have yet to hear anything from my employer in response but hope to meet with them soon to discuss a phased return to work. For the time being I face some uncertainty over my income as it could drop to Statutory Sick Pay at any time, although I am trying not to let that worry me. I still ponder what alternative career I may retrain for in the future but knowing that I want to is important. 

And in lighter news…

I have now seen all my children again for weekend visits with great success and relief. 

The garden has been tended daily and is looking wonderful.

Most importantly, preparations for the wedding are almost complete and my excitement is building every day – it’s finally happening! In a little under three weeks my fiancée will become my wife, and it will be the first day of our married life…

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